boundaries

a major subject of my life lately is boundaries. so much of my troubles with my own self-esteem stem from letting other people's opinions, plus my perceptions of other people's opinions, to burrow deep into my psyche. where (i have to tell myself every single moment, and get reminded frequently by my therapist) they just don't belong.

i've also got some of those deeply held beliefs -- that you know you shouldn't have, that you don't want to admit -- that make setting and keeping boundaries a real problem. 

like: 

• i don't deserve {insert noun here}.
• it doesn't matter if i set a boundary because no one will respect it anyway.
• people who set boundaries are selfish and ugly people.

and perhaps best of all:
if i set boundaries, everyone will abandon me.

the thing is, after years (ok, decades) of not being able to set healthy boundaries, i find that most of my strategies include setting boundaries in passive ways that serve me far less than i would wish. 

like:

• not engaging in relationships at all so i don't have to deal with the issue
• using illness, work or other excuses instead of being honest
• quietly steaming, which grows into resentment, which grows into loathing

anyway, that's one of the things i'm working on lately.